What does it mean to be a ‘true friend’ to someone? To be honest and accepting…to trust that this other individual has your best interests at heart and is honest and trustworthy…to find commonalities in your lives and needs that compliment each other…to talk freely without judgement or prejudice…WOW. Who does that in a relationship or marriage anymore? Maybe the first year or two…but time has a way of ‘erasing’ friendships after two people become lovers. Here are a few tips to remind us of the importance of ‘friendship being first’ in any committed partnership and the reasons why.
Think about what you desire in a best friend. Someone who likes to do alot of the same things that you like to do or has the same interests or goals. Someone you enjoy just walking with or talking to. Someone who makes you laugh and can empathize with you when you cry and someone that you can accept for who and what they are as an individual. THAT is what you should want in your mate. ALL of the same things you want or expect from a ‘best buddy’. Too many times we ‘fall in love’ with someone before establishing a solid friendship with them; only to find that they don’t enjoy the same types of foods, activities, TV shows, movies, clothing, music, etc. and we try to change them or mold them into who we want or need them to be to complete us and satisfy us in our relationships which NEVER works. Our partner is left feeling inadequate and isolated and we are constantly frustrated that he or she is not living up to our expectations.
Friends usually put each OTHER and each OTHER’s feelings FIRST before their own. Lovers tend to revert back to putting THIER feelings or thoughts first OR if they DO put their partner or their partner’s wants first then they feel like they are ’sacrificing’ or ‘giving in’ or ‘lacking’ in themselves. If one can develop a solid friendship with another partner before entering into a relationship or marriage; then the likelihood of continuing to be unselfish is much more realistic for both people because they are genuine in their want for the other’s happiness.
Creating a family or having children is a healthy step in many relationships. It is NOT the REASON to have or continue a relationship though. Two people who are friends FIRST and then develop their friendship INTO a sexual relationship have a much higher probability of maintaining a healthy friendship if the marriage or partnership dissolves than two people who became lovers before becoming friends. Couples that are true friends stay friends long after a break up. They can accept the fact that maybe they cannot live together or be lovers any more; but they can still care for each other, enjoy each other’s company, and truly still want their ‘friend’ to be happy and find a lovingly fulfilled relationship. This ‘friends first’ method is much more healthy and stable for relationships if the prospect of becoming pregnant, adopting a baby, or being a step parent is a possibility as children of all ages want to have access to happy and stable role models.
Friendships tend to have a motto of ‘open communication lines’ between two people who understand and respect each other. Friends talk. They ask each other for advice and listen to constructive criticism and input from each other. They understand that they are two separate individuals with two separate minds capable of having different opinions and can disagree with each other’s thoughts without it affecting their relationship negatively. Problems that arise are OUTSIDE of their friendship and despite the severity of the issues; the problem does not usually dissolve it or affect it for a long term period. Lovers tend to want to shelter their partners from ‘worries’ or ‘taboo subjects’ or ’stressful issues’. They ask OTHERS for advice and camaraderie which can cause jealousy, feelings of guilt or isolation and lack of confidence in ourselves and in our partners. Friends who are friends before lovers maintain open communication lines and prefer to seek comfort and advice from their mate rather than from others.
